“The smilings began in earnest with the opening of the front door.

Incoming eye contact. Eye contact check. Go eyebrows for pleased recognition sparkle and go appropriately affectionate smiling during handshake. New eye contact incoming. Eye contact check. Repeat pleased recognition and maintain pleased smiling during hug even while over shoulder in case anyone else is watching. Prepare standard snow and travel related smalltalk. Incoming set up line, set up line received. Go stock response, go smiling with hint of chuckle.

Having made it through the removing of coats and initial welcomes he followed Laura deeper into the house, deploying the smilings for each person they met, tailoring the sequence as appropriate. They stepped into the lounge, long, soft furnished and lit and then placed drink orders with their eager host.

A real fire crackled away at the far end of the room and soft, nondescript music seemed to seep from the walls. As they settled into a spot to stand and catch up with yet more relatives, he noticed his bored looking nephew approaching.

"Hey Carl," he said, deploying the particularly difficult trying-too-hard-to-be-the-cool-uncle smiling.

"Hi." Carl was not impressed but this was just as it should be.

Children were by far the most difficult, they could sense the fakery and deceit. The trick with kids was not to convince them of the smiling but to convince them of the reason for the fakery.

They were used to being patronised by adults who didn't know how to act around them. The simulation of this awkwardness as a mask to the real pain within had been one of the hardest smilings to master. He was almost proud of it.

"Oh hello Carl darling," cooed Laura. Carl tried but failed to restrain a genuine grin even as she tousled his hair.

He realised that just as the kid had sensed his deceit he also sensed the absolutely certainty of Laura's love and respect and couldn't help but respond in kind. He marvelled at the pair as they chatted away, the bond almost glowing between them. It was amazing and beautiful and utterly alien. He ached to know how it felt.

"So I hear you're going to stay up and watch with us this year, that's exciting isn't it?" Laura said.

"I guess," Carl shrugged. "Mum said I had to."

The mention of what was to come reweighted the anchor within and dragged him back into the dark. This was why he'd never feel that bond, this part of him that kept him always half in the shadows. Unable to watch he turned away but caught sight of the TV instead so that his gaze bounced on to settle on the sideboard. Time was shortening, the situation pressed in, his heart began to pound.

His brother-in-law appeared bearing drinks and he greeted his glass of lemonade with a rare genuine smile. Finally, a prop to fiddle with, to occupy the hands and periodically the mouth, cool fluids to offset fevered sweating. He took a sip of icy sweetness and welcomed the feeling of cool.

Suddenly he saw Carl's mother, his zealot of a sister-in-law bearing down on their group with a typically intense expression. He prepared himself for another particularly demanding smiling.

Eye contact incoming, eye contact check. Go half strength recognition sparkle and restrained, reverent smile. Prepare travel related opening dialogue minus chuckle culmination. Opening dialogue go, knowing nod of agreement.

Prepare for incoming diatribe, fix concerned expression and brace self to maintain control. Expression fixed, diatribe underway, maintaining control. Breathe in, not too deeply, breathe out, careful to avoid appearance of a sigh, continue.

"...of course these days people just see it as time off work. It's just about the presents and the drinking. They've lost sight of what today really means, the significance of the child, the pain of the sacrifice. And where would we be without that sacrifice? Back in the dark ages that's where. They don't know how lucky they are. That's why I insisted that Carl join us this year. Greg said he didn't think he was ready but I said it was time..." ”

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